The Only Reason
by Lady Shaye
Summary: Years after he destroys the Republic, he mourns the death of Padmé.


A/N: I always thought about the missing years. When Luke and Leia were growing up, did Anakin/Darth Vader's thoughts ever drift to the loss of his wife? Sorry if it's not my best work. :)

Summary: Years after he destroys the Republic, he mourns the death of Padmé.

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Years after he destroys the Republic, while it still struggles to regain any power, while he still mourns the death of Padmé, the Emperor gives him a young girl. She is from a distant planet, far away and across the galaxy, but her skin is milky, pale white, and nearly flawless, and her hair is long and dark and curled. She wears it in one long braid. She is small, like Padmé is—was—and fair-skinned and frail. Unlike Padmé, however, her words are softly whispered. She is not strong or fierce-minded or opinionated or independent, like Padmé is—_was_.

(The past tense still haunts him. It always will.)

That first night, she kisses his burned skin and the craters made in his flesh, and it doesn't physically sting (the skin is deadened by years of tuning it out) but somehow it still hurts him inside. He feels this deep ache from Padmé's loss, like a steady pulsing heartbeat. (He sometimes forgets that he has a heart, and other times he's just unsure.)

Her hair is loosened from its braid and falls in waves, tickling his burned and scarred flesh while she steadily trails kisses down his neck. Her lips are trembling, but he pretends not to notice. This is easier. This is mindless. (This is scaring her and hurting him, but he cannot care anymore.)

"Your name," he croaks, still leaving his mask on. He cannot breathe properly without it, and besides, would she stay if she saw his face? Somehow, he thinks not. Yes, she is a slave, and she would be put to death for not following his orders, but some are willing to risk death to avoid his face. It no longer bothers him, he convinces himself.

She looks up hesitantly, and he sees her eyes for the first time—she is always sending her gaze downcast, avoiding him—and they are dark, like Padmé's were. But full of fear. And Padmé was never afraid. She puts her eyes down again, back at her small bare feet on the cold floor. "Whatever is your wish, my lord, that I shall be," she murmurs obediently, her whispered words full of terror and submission.

She hates him. She fears him.

He's used to it now.

Her lips return to his skin and linger there, grazing the burned flesh that could never be fixed, and he thinks. There is truly only one name that he could give her. "_Padmé_," he breathes, and her lips grow hesitant and tentative, still leaving tender, uncertain kisses. She is unsure about what he wants. He uses his left hand to grab her by the shoulder and cling to her, and her kisses return. Her lips are soft on his sensitive flesh, and he nearly (almost but not quite) shivers with want.

He _needs_ Padmé. He gets this slave girl instead, who looks so much like his wife once did (before he killed her).

He whispers no once at that terrible but true thought, and she stops, but then he makes her start again.

Feeling her shake with fear, he knows that he doesn't really deserve this. But it is his for the taking, and this will be his only consolation for a long time.

He never learns her name. But he kills her in a fit of anger a few years later. He does not even remember why when he thinks about it. He does not weep over it. Darth Vader weeps for no one. (Except for Padmé. But he forgets that. Best to forget his little dead wife that he murdered so many years ago. It hurts less when he tries to forget. Not really. But he makes himself think so.)

He gets another little pale dark-haired slave girl, and calls her Padmé too.

It is years later that he learns that he did not personally kill his wife. She died of sadness, of grief, of loss, just after giving birth to twins. She lost the will to live when he turned to the dark side. She lost the will to go on.

He asks for the slave girl's real name, and she tells him that it is Padmé because that is what he has always called her. And he kills her too for that, for reminding him of the past when he for once does not want it, and thinks of his children.

He gets another slave girl and calls her Padmé as well. She is small too, and dark-haired, and her skin is milky like the white, cold moon. (Her skin is warm, too warm, reminds him of flames and pain and hurt and a woman he once loved in his bed.)

He wonders if this will always be his life now, and knows that he deserves such torture. Probably more so.

He wonders what his daughter is like when this new slave girl kisses his jaw exactly as Padmé did so long ago, on command.

Sith lords do not shed tears, he tells himself.

But tonight, he can be the one exception. And Padmé can be the one reason.

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A/N: Forgive me if my knowledge isn't the best. I'm much more acquainted with the original trilogy than the ones concerning Anakin and everything. So. Review?


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